The Monster Within and a Troubeled Teen Bride

 I met my wife, this last one, a long time ago and the story of us doesn't paint a very pretty picture of me but when a lawyer from Alabama recently contacted my mother I was reminded of her, and the story we wrote together, the one that I will tell you now.
  Her name was Shelly and she was a troubled 18 year old from Birmingham. Her roots involved snake handling ministers for a mother and father, a childhood rape, and a nasty heroin addiction. I was the son of an Elder in the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, a natural alcoholic with a weakness for shooting cocaine and a frustrated poet. We met in a christian rehab where I had been sent by the courts and stayed on as a counselor after completing a year long program of bible studies, prayer and the troubling requirement of fasting at least one day week. I had been there for nearly two years when Shelly's mother delivered her kicking and screaming to the Grace Mission Bible Training Center. She was still too high to know that the next days only promise to her was that she was going to be dope sick, and it wouldn't be pretty. 
  The rehab was established at an old Baptist campgrounds with groups of cabins for males and females on opposite sides of the property, a large cafeteria, a few other out buildings, and a swimming pool. It was covered in trees and flowering bushes of all sorts. Deer, squirrel and other wildlife scampered about like a scene from Snow White. It was a picture of the Natural States beauty. I hated it. It was the opposite of where I would have chosen to be; I was more of an crumbling brick alleys and dark downtown bars kind of guy. I wore black suits and slick polished Stacy Adams and combed my hair into a D.A. though the style was more than half a century in the grave. The dust clung to my clothes and dulled my shoes, the heat was unbearable, and my allergies made me miserable.
   It was a pretty tough life-style for a bunch of dope fiends turned Disciples of Christ but I found a sort of grey area to live in and I really had been clean longer than I had ever been, and that was true for many others who had come from all across the country to try anything next to kick dope as well.
  On the other hand the program itself smelled a little bit like a hustle, especially to a guy like me. They would send out these mailers each month with needs lists for things like dried beans, toilet paper or pick-up trucks and pleas for financial assistance. They put together teams of people to go and "share" at churches or sometimes take over complete worship services, preaching and all. That's where I came in, I was a natural, my fathers son, lucky enough to remember most anything I read, including the Bible, and a performer at heart. I preached my ass off. In return the authorities over me at Grace allowed me a wider grey area than they afforded most staff.
  Oddly enough just a few weeks before Shelly's arrival, one of my best friends from high school became a resident of the program, he was a repeater so he knew the deal pretty well and I felt comfortable enough talking to him about my likes and dislikes concerning the lay of the land. He and I were walking to the cafeteria that doubled as a worship center when my future wife was literally dragged from her mothers Lincoln Continental, we watched wide eyed a moment as she cursed God, her mother, and the entire state of Arkansas. She was small but built well and wore torn Levi's and a dark baby doll T. Spittle flew from her mouth as she uttered phrases that would make old school sailors cheeks burn firetruck red. I was in love.
  Or at least that's what I turned and told my old school mate, along with a promise that I would have her for my own. Two weeks later having run off together we were married in a hastily thrown together wedding including her in a white gown, me in my best suit and both sets of our parents in the Church of God on 6 and 1/2 street in the Northeast Arkansas town where my mother still lives.
  I was almost twenty years older than Shelly but that didn't seem to trouble her mother, neither the fact that we had just met. "We will have the rest of our lives to get to know each other" I told my mother-in-law. I never guessed for a second  just how crazy Shelly's mother was, how crazy Shelly was, or that her mother was relieved to see Shelly gone from Alabama and no longer her responsibility. Sometimes I am slow to put together the angles on a certain thing. This time I was just plain dumb.
  Everything seemed to go well at first. I was lucky enough to get a great job as a wielder in a place that made railroad cars, Shelly was working cleaning houses for a lady who owned a service, and we moved into a small but adequate apartment. We spent our wedding night in the new place, interrupted occasionally by twitching people with hungry eyes asking for "the old man". It didn't take genius to figure out we had moved into a place where the former tenant had sold methamphetamine. Considering the age difference between my new bride and myself, I didn't need the distraction. It was the next morning that was the real shocker though, at about dawn another knock on the door. I just shouted through the door that the "old man" didn't live there anymore. After a couple of desperate sounding questions, this guy left and I returned to bed. Less than a half hour later another knock, and I lost my cool.
  "We just moved in and the old man ain't here", I shouted.
   " Greene County Sheriffs Department- Open the door", came the reply.
  Another harbinger of what lay ahead for me. Again I was oblivious, deeply in lust and happy to be free of the constraints of the Grace Mission Bible Training Center. It seems that the last visitor had broken out of jail and planned to lay low at his dealers house until he could move on. Someone had seen him outside that morning and called the Sheriff's Department. My felony record and a naked girl who, judging by her looks, may or may not be the age of legal consent caused me more than a few uncomfortable moments before the khaki clad gentlemen with large handguns decided to leave us alone to enjoy the pleasures of matrimony.
  My two years clean time was already shot, the only thing I couldn't resist was temptation. I began to snort lines off wielding hoods at work with some of the guys who had been there a while. I kept it a secret from Shelly who quit her job after my first paycheck and decided suddenly to live a life of domestic bliss.
  One afternoon late when I got home from work I was struck with the most overpowering sweet smell. Like a hothouse had puked in my living room. Floral overload. 'What the hell?', I thought and then noticed Shelly slumped over on the couch, a dishrag wadded in her hand, and maybe a half a dozen air freshener aerosol cans scattered across the floor at her feet. I was angry. Stupid, I will admit considering my own aforementioned weakness, but I shouted at her to get up and get in the car. She was startled, not quite yet clear-headed, but she did as I said looking a little frightened about what I might have in mind. I peeled out from the driveway and headed straight away to the state line. I bought a half a gallon of whiskey, a case of beer for her and maybe twenty dollars worth of scratch off lotto tickets. She looked at me like I was Santa Claus. From there we made a looping out of the way circle back home stopping in Jonesboro for crack cocaine and Dilated. I was her personal Jesus- having delivered her from boredom and sobriety, and restored her to her former glorious junky self.

  I lost my job two days later. The apartment lasted maybe another month.
  
We used all day everyday. We drank from the time we woke up until the time we went to sleep. Often keeping a drink on the nightstand of the shitty little hotel rooms that we stayed in just in case we woke in the night. We used cocaine, heroin, pills of all sorts and we smoked weed. We shoplifted. We lied. We broke into homes and, of course, we tricked. Most of the time I would wait in the bathroom and when she would bring in the john I would rob them but sometimes we would go to the dealer and she would go inside to cop. I would wait chewing my fingernails for the twenty minutes or so she'd be inside and then start the engine as soon as she'd come out the door. We would race back to the room to get high, neither if us caring about the things we did. In between hustling and coping we would get into terrible fights, shouting at the top of our lungs, sometimes worse. Shelly was terribly jealous.
   During this time, dark as it we was, we began to love each other dearly. We were the same, and we had never experienced anything like that before. Both of us carried such a heavy sadness that we could not stand to feel, we went to the most outrageous extremes not to. Yet here we were, falling in love in a way that only the very young and the deeply mad could understand.
  Our adventures grew more and more bold and we were involved in high speed pursuits. Shelly would drive the "getaway" car and I would steal from businesses often in broad daylight. Shelly was night blind and was suppose to wear thick glasses but would not. Once while being pursued by police in the evening I literally had to talk her through the chase as she could not see the roads until we blew past them. We kept running and with sirens and lights flashing our pursuers were relentless. Shell turned and looked at me a huge smile on her face,

  "We're Bonnie and Clyde".

She was nuts, like I said.

   "Okay Bonnie kill the lights, don't touch the brakes and when I say so pull up as far as you can into a driveway".

  She did and we got away but after that night I began to have serious doubts about our future as snatch and grab guys. The water pump on the car was going out and we had damaged a wheel running over a curb. The car wouldn't hold up and our luck was running thin. Sometimes we would just drive around looking for small pawnable stuff in carports, or a bright red gas jug. We didn't pay for anything but dope, and a five gallon gas lick never went by, without us taking advantage. Just before Halloween we were driving around like this when the car began to get hot. We were losing a lot of water from the bad pump and the start and stop driving we did on these missions in particular made it hard for the car to maintain a temperature that wouldn't damage the heads without stopping often and letting the engine cool and adding water. It was about time for just such a pit stop when I saw one of those huge inflatable bouncy houses like people rent for children's parties in front of a church packed with cars and a sign out front that read "Fall Festival".  I told her to pull in hoping to hit someone up for a few bucks while I got water. When we parked I could see that they were eating so I thought we could probably eat too.

  " Think we could get some water?, we've just driven into town from southern Alabama and the Lords allowed us to be tested the entire trip".

  "Sure thing", the kind older guy said, "What brought you guys here"?

 "We were missionaries involved with an faith based rehab center for the desperate and the hopeless. There were some issues and we decided to come back here; I'm from here."

 Shelly was still sitting in the car. She never really like the soft con, didn't feel like she was very good at it. When it came to straight talking someone out of the money, the choir was mine.

" To be honest" I went on, "we've had some real car problems as you can see, caused my gas mileage to be poor, and we're broke. Thank the Lord in Heaven though, He delivered us here just like we asked him too. One more thing if I could ask, we haven't eaten a thing since early this morning do you think my wife might get one of those burgers? I am fine but I know she's hungry though she'd never say so".

  "Well sure , sure you guys come on in here and join us won't you. We'd be happy to have you join us".

He walked on over toward the church where they were all gathered to eat, I got back in the car to tell Shelly what had happened.

  "I don't want to eat ", she said, " I'm not hungry".

  " Goddammit Shelly I don't care how messed up you are, or how hungry you are, I want you to get your pretty little ass in there and help me work this shit. We can eat and that guy will probably give us twenty bucks when we get done. Lets go."

  Reluctantly she came in with me, the man I had spoke to was sitting at a table with his wife and two empty chairs. They had already made our plates.

   "So tell me a little about this place where you guys came from", he asked. Genuinely interested.

  I explained to him about the mission of the rehab, changing only where it was located. I told him that while I believed in what they were doing, there had been some sexual sins committed at the leadership levels and that I began to be uncomfortable and prayed for guidance. Most of the details I had given him were true but I changed the facts just enough to suit my needs.

  " I was reading my Bible one night after diligent prayer", I said "the story of the demon possessed man from Mark I believe, can't be sure because, as you know the story is told in all the synoptic gospels", with just enough confusion so as not to sound canned but also theo-scholarly as I used the phrase "synoptic gospels".

  "You know the story I am sure -the man that lived in the places of the dead, and cut himself. When Christ asked him his name, he replied 'I am legion for we are many'. Then the demons are cast out into the pigs and the pigs jump from the cliff".

  I was in control, it was a subject I had used from the pulpit many times, a good parallel to people who have the demon addiction and are being delivered from it. In the old days it always had them reaching for their wallets. Such is the power of the word.  I could tell by their expressions that he and his wife were similarly entranced, so I went in for the big finish,

  "What a lot of people don't really pay attention to, and what God shared with me through His living, breathing word that night was what happened next - the man so utterly relieved to be free of the demons, so joyous to be loosed from the death and the hurting of his life wanted to go with Jesus, wanted to hop in that boat with Jesus and the others and serve Him. But Jesus, had another plan" I am talking in my deep preachers voice now, channeling my father and that booming bass voice that had me squirming on those hard wooden pews of my youth, afraid to die. Afraid of Hell. " Jesus surely moved by the conversion of this man told the formerly demon possessed man 'No, I want you to go home and tell the people there what God has done for you'. People at nearby tables are looking over now, I sense I am moving others in the room as well, "and that is my calling as well I have come back here to show the people who knew the old me that  that guy  is dead, that God Himself has changed me, to tell people who never knew me what God" I stretch God out into a near three syllable word, " has done in my life".

  It takes a moment for the couple sitting across from Shelly and myself to speak, for them to even regain their thoughts - then suddenly a wide happy smile spreads across their faces and the man stands and stretches out a hand to shake mine. They are pleased to see the faith that they have, is in a Deity powerful enough to change lives. They don't know that with me, it didn't take.

  "We would be pleased to have you come worship with us tomorrow if you would. Of course we'd want to get you a hotel room for the night and put some gas in your car too".

   "We would be honored to join you. And thanks for your help I felt like the Lord was leading me here for a reason."

 
They took us to one of the nicer hotels around, paid for two nights, and gave me thirty bucks. We drove straight to a trap house and bought some crack. Since we already had a room in the sleazy hotel that was much closer to the dope part of town we sold the card key, and room too. The next morning I ran out and made some waffles at the Motel 6 put them in a take out box I already had, swung by and got Shelly some hydrocodones so she wouldn't get sick before it was all over and went back to the room. When I woke her Shelly gobbled up the pain pills, picked at the waffle and bitched about going back to the church.

  "What if they figured out already. What if they know".

She didn't really care about that so much as she knew it would be three or four hours before we'd get high again. The hydros really would just help her maintain, when me and Shelly got high we liked to be all the way high. I was shaving and pissed because I couldn't have a drink. They would smell it for sure.

  "Goddammit Shelly get a freakin' dress on, you want to wait all fuckin' day for a trick or something to steal? It's Sunday in Jonesboro Arkansas this is gonna be a good lick and there ain't shit else going on."

  She threw an ashtray at me but it wasn't even close so I just went about my business and she started to get dressed. She was such a beautiful woman that I paused shaving long enough to watch her strip down to nothing while she grumbled about pulling accessories out of different bags and suitcases that I had brought in from the car. Even though I was in a hurry I turned and smiled my most brilliant come hither smile at her. She cursed me but when I pulled her to me and kissed her leaving shaving cream on her face she laughed and we made love like old people driving. Reckless and with abandon.

  Thirty minutes later we were at the church in time for Sunday school, barely. In class I fairly took over, and after I was asked to share my testimony for the mornings message. When I finished I understood what Mick Jagger must feel like at the end of a concert. When I walked from the pulpit towards the back door nearly everyone I passed pushed money into my hands as I shook theirs. Shelly had been crying through the whole thing- a special talent of hers, and these people loved us. The couple that had invited us asked us to lunch and we accepted even though we already had enough money for a real cool party.

  We ate at some place country, I can't remember where but Shelly had gizzards I remember that much. Soon the talk turned to us again and how the couple could help.

  " Justin every year our family does something a little different at Christmas, you see we all already have everything we can use, in the way of things ya know,so a few years ago we all started pitching all the money that we would normally spend on gifts for each other and we give it away. To some needy family ya know, well this year we want you guys to have it. We know you need it and we just want to sow a seed with you. We know you all are gonna do big things. It would make us very happy if you'd accept it."

  I could feel my pulse quicken as my "monster" stirred, hungry and ready to be fed. Shelly squirmed in her chair and I was afraid she might vomit with anticipation. We began to try and move things along so we could get out of there. The old man and woman wanted us to have dessert but we begged off, he walked me to the car and gave me an envelope. I thanked him and put it in the inside breast pocket of my jacket. When I got in the car Shelly had already taken off her shoes and panty hose. I was a little turned on by her bare legs , the memory of this mornings sex but the "monster " wouldn't wait. Even as the restaurant door was closing I peeled away from the place as fast as our crippled little four cylinder would carry us. I pulled over a couple blocks away to call the dope boys and looked inside the envelope - it contained twenty crisp hundred dollar bills. We lay up getting high for a week until every penny was gone.
 
 
  After that we did the church thing every chance we had. Finally getting serious enough about to plot out what church to hit next based on location. Once we hit two churches right next to each other in the same day. It never again payed like that first one but it always paid.

  All good things must come to an end and the end of our story happened to be on Shelly's birthday. We had been getting high all day at the hotel and Shelly kept calling Ron Ron, the sister of the guy we bought crack from, who was pregnant. Shelly had just lost a baby a couple of months before and she really liked Ron Ron alot, anyway, so she decides we should go and get Ron Ron a baby shower gift. What the hell I say and we head to town, I am sitting in the car in the mall parking lot while Shelly goes in to "boost" something nice. I am smoking a rock and a little paranoid so I am already staring around when I see Shelly coming. She is so fucked up that she is not aware of the guy walking up fast behind her. Could be a security guy from inside, could be somebody we've burned but who ever he is I know we have got to get down. I start the motor, roll up to Shelly throwing her door open.

  "Get in!"

  She jumps in and I jam on the gas. The guy following her jumps in front of the car, his arms out in front of him like he is Superman and he can stop our forward motion with the power of the yellow sun. Instead he rolls over the hood and on up over the top as I go out backwards through the Burger King driveway, almost T-boning a police car when I pull into traffic. We pull every trick out of the bag but it seems every time we turn a corner their were two more cops. I look at Shelly and say,

  " I don't know what you stole in there, Shel but this ain't got shit to do with that." 

  "Just pull over I'll tell 'em it was all me. Just pull over."

But I don't. I keep on driving and by the finish there were probably forty cars involved. Only when I was completely boxed in did I stop. I turn to her,

  "I love you baby, I'll probably be gone for  a year or so but I love you."

 The cops run to the car with guns drawn. They didn't even ask my name they just cuff me and put me in the back seat of the nearest car. I see my picture on the dash computer along with a B.O.L.O for the car. I go straight to county. An hour or so later from my holding cell I hear Shelly shout

"I love you, Justin".

 She can't see me but she knows I must still be there. We both had been here and done this before.

  I went to prison for breaking or entering, taking all the charges so that Shelly might have another chance. She wrote me a few times but we never saw each other after that. We knew we were bad for each other.  According to the lawyer who contacted my mother she finally had a couple of babies of her own. The lawyer said her mother was trying to adopt them, and they needed my permission because I was still legally her husband, and the children's father though there was no way I could have fathered them, the math isn't even close.
I'd like to see them though.
 And Shelly.


  But I won't.

 Instead I'll sit back with a Knob Creek and Coke and think about the kids Shelly and I might have had together in a parallel world where the only monsters live under the bed,


and they aren't real.

Just something for mothers and fathers of special little kids to check for at bedtime.



 
 

 

A New Poem

He wasn't
exactly
a hustler

but he had
an easy way
with women

and a hard
time with whiskey
and told a

funny joke.

He never
ever chased them
or even thought...


Sometimes
in the bars they'd
slide on over

and fall
in love with
the words

that he spoke.
With the poems
about other

women.

He would sit
and talk and smile
in that

way that he had.

Later, sometimes,
he would take them
to their beds

but it was
only the booze that
he cared for.

The next night
would bring a different
bar, another girl,

a new poem.

Easy To Be The Poem

It was so easy
to be the poem.

To be the
small town
big family
boy flying
kites in
lonesome
cotton fields.

It was
easy to be
the poem.

To be
the happy man
fresh with love,
in love with
the girl
he met in college
the mother
of children
adored.

So very easy
to be
the poem.

Harder now
it seems
to be the poet.

If the Delta fields
were lonesome
then the grey
city sidewalks
are lonely.

Harder.

The haunting
taunting
memories of
painful separations

foggy flip
stomach mornings-
head pounding-
in line with other
stinking tramps
full of doubt
about the words
that I write.

So much
harder
to be the poet.

The days
spent asking
strangers to reject.
Nights filled
with crumpled pages
and a long slow
dance with
pain and sadness.

And bourbon and dope.

Harder
to be the poet
than the
poem.

The Lowest Time

Baby's in the
bathroom, fixing

her hair. I smoke
yesterdays butts.

My head pounding
and heart sick.

I pretend to read.

My baby girl
calls out "White Boy".

I help her fasten
the cheap necklace

that I got her
all those lows ago.

She pretends to smile.

Reaching towards
her reflection,

I take the last
of a bottle of gin

and toast our love.
She smells like

dollar store perfume
and resignation.

We dance an
awkward little dance

a little stumbly

a little sad

and she says
she has to go.

So I pick up my
book and she

puts on her shoes
and I'll wait for

my Baby to come home.